…what are you scared of?

Fear is a disease.  Fear is a prison, for the inmate and the friends and family outside the walls.

Fear is also your friend; it alerts you to danger.  Sabre-toothed tiger standing in front of you, salivating?  Fear says run.  Fast.

We must separate “good” fear, which can save your life, from “bad” fear, which is guaranteed to destroy it.  “Bad” fear manifests in everyday life in every possible way imaginable.  Fear that the decision you have to make will be wrong.  Fear of losing someone’s love and affection.  Fear of making a fool of yourself.  But in every situation I can think of it is the act of allowing the fear to control the outcome that is the real risk.

Too afraid to get it “wrong”?  No decision = no opportunity, and the nagging question of “what if?”

Scared of losing the love of a friend or partner?  Who can truly love you if you’re not being truly yourself?

Terrified of making a fool of yourself?  Then no-one’s going to get a chance to appreciate the real you anyway; who’s the fool already?

These fears and anxieties that control so much of our daily lives - so much of my daily life - must then be referred to as irrational fears.  Maybe our world just isn’t dangerous enough any more.  We allow fear to crawl into places it has no right to be.  And it kills our lives.  That should be the scariest thing you could ever face.  A cancer that will destroy your spirit but let your body live on.  In misery.  Yet it is a disease that you have the power to destroy with will alone.  Instantly.

Fear and anxieties make sense only if you believe that something outside of yourself is creating your reality.  Without this conviction fear does not make any sense. - Bodo Deletz

I challenged the quote above over and over, from every angle.  Tried to rip it to shreds looking for real-life, acceptable circumstances where fear - irrational fear, that is - could be rationalised.  I couldn’t find one.  So it comes down to what you choose to accept is out of your control and what you decide to take responsibility for.  The economy is tanking - anxious about losing your job?  Or taking preemptive steps to find alternative income?  Fear of losing your partner’s love?  If you allow that to be out of your control, you already lost.

Suck it up.  Pull yourself together.  Quit hiding in the corner. You can’t control the future but you can dictate how you meet it.  Square on, head held high; or off-balance, quivering and scared.

Whatever you’re scared of right now, take those thoughts and strip them bare - are you really not in control?  Are you trying to control the uncontrollable?  I’m not socially confident; speaking to most people outside my sphere of closest friends and family creates at least moderate anxiety for me, stomach-churning nerves in some instances.  Why?  I don’t believe this person will find me interesting, appealing, scared they will think badly of me, not like me.  So what? For a start, it’s a vicious circle:  More anxious, less natural.  More awkward, less connection and less chance of a mutually enjoyable conversation.  Secondly, stripped back of the outer layers of the emotions, the real fear here is that I won’t feel good about myself.  And this shouldn’t be something that is out of my own control, external.  Working backwards from here, the same extends to problems taking criticism, fear of losing the love of a partner, fear of rejection.

I’ll be dealing with fear in more detail in future, highlighting simple, effective techniques, tricks or mind “hacks” that can help dissipate fear and prepare you better for a life free from irrational anxieties - these are the tools I’m working on to help me take control of my own chaotic mind and gain power in my own life.  For the moment, just play the video clip below.  Could you tell one of these people you’re “too scared” to go for that job interview, to strike up a conversation, to start something you’ve dreamed of doing for so long or to step up and take control of your own life?

Whatever you fear, if it isn’t full of sharp teeth, likely to collapse and bury you alive or otherwise kill or seriously injure you, better get to the root of the fear - and kill it first.

A.